Mysteries of Life

The meaning of lonlieness

2011-08-06T13:46:00.002+05:00

This picture aptly describes the feeling of lonlieness...

Found it somewhere on the net

Kisi Ka...

2007-06-12T06:20:00.000+06:00

Har ghadi jaise kisi ka intezar ho,

Har lamha takh thi hai rahae kisi ka jaise koi annewala ho,

Har saans jaise kisi ki pairon ki aahat sunne ke liye bekarar ho,

Har pal inh nigahon ko jaise kisi ka chehera nazar aata ho,

Yeh tho bas ek hasin khawab hai,

Khawab kab sach huey hai,

Kuch iss tarah guzzar jayegi zindagi ,

Ki haqeeqat ek bura khawab ban jayegi.

My First Dream

2007-05-30T14:50:00.000+06:00

I remembered you,
I came closer to you,
And walked away,
I am living because of you,
Today, I am seeing you within me!
What is the use if the letter,
Gets burnt while reading?
Shade of the trees will ask you,
What can I tell them?
Are you like the silence of,
A withered flower?
My room seeks your anklet’s sound,
What can I tell them?
Can broken bangles speak?
Where are those fingers,
Which warms my hand?
You’re not here for me,
To lie down on your shoulder!
Before my first dream is fulfilled,
I lost my sleep!

My Fate

2007-05-28T13:46:00.000+06:00

Is it me or my fate,
To be alone,
To keep losing,
Friends, heart and love,
To have an empty soul,
To have an empty heart,
To long for things,
Which I can never have,
I feel something is missing inside me,
As though I lost love for everything,
Nothing excites me nor motivates me,
All I wish is for the good ol’ days,
I am waiting for someone,
My soul searching for that someone,
But can I get what I long for,
Is another question,
Since it is me or my fate,
Stopping from getting what I want.

Beautiful Life

2007-05-28T13:42:00.000+06:00

Life was beautiful once,
But only for a few moments,
Rest of it was a dreadful experience,
Full of nightmares and sadness,
Still haunted by the ghosts from the past,
I lost myself in the rush,
Never having any real control,
Over my life, actions and emotions,
Only acting as a puppet of fate,
Always found myself lonely,
None understood and supported me.

Smile on my lips

2007-05-22T10:53:00.000+06:00

I only have the support of my arms,
'Coz I don't have warmth from others,
Which I need in this cold,
I may die today,
I may die tomorrow,
But I die with a smile on my lips,
Knowing that I haven't broken a heart,
With my death,
Since I was loved by none.

Kabhi Kabhi

2007-02-02T14:21:00.000+06:00

Kabhi kabhi mere dil main khayal aata hain,
Ki zindagi teri zulfon ki narm chhaon main guzarne pati
to shadab ho bhi sakti thi.

Yeh ranj-o-gham ki siyahi jo dil pe chhayi hain,
Teri nazar ki shuaon main kho bhi sakti thi.

Magar yeh ho na saka aur ab ye aalam hain,
Ki tu nahin, tera gham teri justjoo bhi nahin.

Guzar rahi hain kuchh iss tarah zindagi jaise,
isse kisi ke sahare ki aarzoo bhi nahin.

Na koi raah, na manzil, na roshni ka suraag,
Bhatak rahin hai andheron main zindagi meri.
Inhi andheron main reh jaoonga kabhi kho kar

Main janta hoon meri hum-nafas, magar yoonhi
Kabhi kabhi mere dil main khayal aata hai.

Bad Phase

2007-01-27T15:47:00.000+06:00

I am going through a phase in which I don't know what's happening to me and around me. There is so much build up of emotions and stress, that I fear what will happen if they were to come out. I lost my fighting spirit, I feel helpless and right now I am short on confidence. In a book, I've read that the persons who are able to dig up, draw on their inner strength and character are able to succeed in life than others. But even this is not helping me to regain faith and confidence in myself and in my abilities to do things. I feel that I have seen and heard everything there's in this world. I just don't want to live a life where I am living for others, where there is no happiness for me.

This phase has started around January this year, where nothing seems to go the way I wish it would go. Well not all things go your way, but the opposite should also be true, not all things should go against you. And as fate would have, sometimes all things go against you. To come back from it, you need to have fighting spirit, integrity, emotional support from family and friends among others. As stated earlier, I have lost the fighting spirit, lost a sense of purpose. It's like it does not matter what happens to me, nothing seems to hurt me anymore and I have become incapable to live and love anymore. There are very strong indications of that me becoming my previous self - a wild animal, uncontrollable, reckless, brash and arrogant.

This is all leading to a stage, I fear, would change me for the worse. No one gives a shit about me, then why should I be caring, always understanding. Enough is enough for me. I want to shout out loud and say, "Why do not you let me be who I am, why don't you let me alone?" People say that you get everything so easily and try to pick me for that, is that my mistake? They don't know how I have lived my 23 years. I have gone through so much pain, many near death experiences and anger, that I don't care about money or anything materialistic. I cannot smile or laugh since I am not happy. And what's there in this world to be happy about? I don't mind whether I have a part time job or not, whether I have money to spend or not. If I get a good part time job, is it my fault? I want to run from everyone, but cannot run even from myself.

I cannot even analyse why all this is happening to me. Where did I go wrong, what wrong did I do? I don't have answers to these questions. When I have not committed a mistake, then why shall I accept that I have committed a mistake. I feel that my life is rotting away with I having absolutely no control over it and falling from level of bad to level of worse.

Situations and Decisions

2007-01-11T18:23:00.000+06:00

Everyone is right in their positions given any situation. But me, I always find myself in the wrong place at the wrong time. I am always caught in the crossfire and get hurt deeply, not in physical sense but in emotional sense. I don’t know why this happens to me? We all face situations in which we are in a dilemma as to what to do, what decision do I take? The decision which I take is the right one or not, only time and God knows. Then there are other constraints and restrictions which are like invisible prisoner chain, bound by it, there is very little room for maneuvering.

You cannot live up to everybody’s expectation and cannot keep everyone happy all the time. What if you cannot live up to your own expectation and cannot ourselves happy? Every decision we make regarding our lives, has some external influence to it. Be it family, friends, environment or anything else. How can anyone decide what’s best for me? Yet we take decision according everybody else’s wishes rather than listening to your own instinct.

I have relied quite a bit on my instinct in my past and still rely on it. Sometimes it so happens that the instinct fails to help you in deciding, in knowing what’s right or wrong, what’s proper or improper, in showing you the right direction. Then what you do in such a situation. To top that, you have everything going against you most importantly time and situation. The people involved are just acting according to this time and situation. You are not able to decide the next course of action, and then whom do you rely on? You are trapped in which no matter what door or direction you take, you are destined to be doomed.

Some part of me is a wild animal, very short tempered. I have hidden this animal, its anger, frustration and pain in me for well over a year now. It was difficult to hide all that, keep it deep inside me, with a vow that I’ll never ever let it come out of me. I fear the current situation would force the animal in me to come out again. Given, I am away from my home and city. This would not be good for me. All this and the current situation have added to the anger, frustration and pain. The animal in me is just tempting to come out and blast its way through anything and everything in its path, which I can’t afford and let it happen. It’s like something in me is just waiting to snap, tear my chest and come out.

Earlier, due to this animal characteristic, I was quite rebellious, bold and was not bothered about the consequences. And now I have become quite the opposite. I have mellowed a lot, matured, worrying about the consequences all the time. No longer the rebel and have become more polite, caring and kind. But all this is about to change because of what I am going through right now. It’s like shit happens and I don’t care anymore whatever happens, indicating a return to my old self. I am trying to fight against that and I am not sure if can win. Ironically, I’ll be the loser on both sides and no one the winner. I wonder how to make this ‘lose-lose’ situation to ‘win-win’ situation for myself.

Perhaps this is the test of real character which shows what kind of a person I am and what I am made of. If this is the case so be it. If for no one else, I’ll prove to myself what I am made up of. This will show what my real character, identity and class is. In addition, it will show what are my principles, values, rules and integrity.

And then I lose it completely and think where is my life going on? I don’t just feel like living anymore. I feel that I am dead inside. There are far many scars inside me to allow me even to live. These scars keep piling up and I lose even more the need to be alive. And whenever I felt the need for support, I did not get it.

Then I wonder is it because of my birth date and name characteristics. The combination of both (numerology) would suggest that ‘1’ is always alone and remains so. Sometimes even I have not been able to accept this fact. It’s like my heart doesn’t agree. But it’s has been proved to be true in many cases. Alone even in a crowd. There is no one to talk to, no one to turn to or look up to, sometimes because of the constraints and restrictions. It’s like I have been an ‘ENIGMA’ to everyone. Some say that I am very moody, short tempered and stubborn. Maybe I am, but they have not seen my other side.

Mixed Bag

2006-12-24T16:58:00.000+06:00

The other day is was just sitting listening to songs and my mind wandered, thinking about some issues. Then it came up with this question, What is 'LIFE'? Is it a journey which starts from birth and ends in death? Or is it just part of the journey, "soul in-transit", which we can see, feel and live through? Or the actual journey is of our soul which can end only in "Salvation", but only after it goes through these "journey called life" and there can be many such journeys / in-transit phases of the soul before we actually attain "Salvation". Sadly, death is very much part of our presence here on earth. Death's the only certainity in this very uncertain life.

I am reading this amazing book called 'The Fifth Discipline' by Peter Senge. And the book has shifted my way of thinking just about everything. I am know looking at the whole / big picture rather than just a part of it. I am know trying to be less prejudiced and think from an open mind without any assumptions. This book also enabled me to see the reality, the truth rather than what my mind perceived with all its prejudices and assumptions. While reading it, I came about to soul - search and think why I am here, what's my purpose, my vision? What I want to achieve in this life?

Be firm yet be flexible. Be strong yet still ask for help. Be self-respecting yet be respecting. Always be truthful, especially to our ownself. Money is not everything in life, being happy, being emotionally fulfilled, being at peace with your innerself, being satsified is. At the end I wish I did not have any regrets about anything in life and I feel that my life was well lived and well spent. Would like to die with a smile on my lips knowing that I was a good human being, worthy of being related to be everyone I knew and lived to the expectations of my near and dear ones.

It's not the fault of the roses,
Nor is the falut of the thorns,
The sad part is though,
I fell in love with thorns rather than roses.

Night filled with stars,
The moon is shining through,
Gentle wind blowing through,
And yet I find myself all lonely.

To few drops of rain for this parched earth,
To few friends in this lonely life,
No care for the broken tree,
No love for the empty heart.

I have realised many things in life, especially after coming to Melbourne. One of them is, to have the ability to let go of people. I have read somewhere, that right (wrong) people come in your life at the right (wrong) moment and leave at the right (wrong) moment, accomplishing whatever they were supposed to do.

People who smile a lot, does not mean that they do not have any sort of pain. They do have pain, it's that they manage it in a much better way. Pain in any form (especially if it's psychological / emotional) pricks us a lot. Everybody has some sort of pain, it's not the question of how deep it is, question is how can you manage it no matter how deep it is? Some one said it right, 'Oh Pain, don't fall in love with me.'

'LOVE' is one of the most misunderstood word / emotion / feeling / term in any language. Sometimes we cannot differentiate between a passing crush, infautation, lust and love. If we ask ourselves, What is Love? What comes to our mind, heart, body and soul? Many things and yet which one is true or right, eh? Love is a strange thing, sometimes it gives us limitless joy / happiness and sometimes unbearable pain.

We wait almost all our lifes, dreaming for 'the right person.' But the truth is there's no such thing called right person. It's only how we perceive or the perception we hold about a person. It's our idealism, beliefs, values that leads us to the misperception of a right person. is it not better to meet a person and see that whether he / shecan become the right person by continually evolving throughout the lifetime. Of course, the person has to have some degree of 'rightness' that we seek and in normal terms we call it "Attraction". And the process of evolving together becomes "A Love Affair of a Lifetime", though many people do not realise it. One of my wish and hope is, that I find a person with whom I can grow old with, with the grace of God Almighty it is grnated.

"We always want something and what we get is what we need."

There are many things which are left unsaid in our lives. We are aware of them, but don't know what exactly it is. They are always present in the subconsicous mind and rarely comes out. Sometimes they might come out in the form of dreams or nightmares. The choice is ours, whether we just want to be a mute spectator watching our life passing by us or be in control to what's happening.

What I Feel...

2006-11-26T12:22:00.000+06:00

I had this mixed feeling abt how would it be to live by urself, no family, no frnds, ur on ur own. Have the freedom, ability to do watever u wanna do. And u kinda of start likin this way of livin. U know wat to do and wat not to do, become independent. And then suddenly someone wants to stop u from doin wat u want to do, take away the freedom. u dont live for urself, but for others. Sometimes i feel like shoutin and sayin, this is my life, i'll live the way i want it, not the way u or others want it, especially relatives. Wat the heck, cant i live my life my way?

was alone for quite a while and was listenin to heartbeat from kal ho na ho. And i went down the memory lane and it goes back only till 7th class in school. while thinkin abt the past, i am not able to think of one moment i was truly happy, in bliss, satisfied or contend, at peace with myself. Not tht i was not happy, but they were very rare moments. i'd like to thank some of my frnds anirudh, rash, akhil, yuggi, avani, rajji, kallu and few others for givin some moments of happiness in other wise a bleak and melachonly life of mine.

In melbourne, one of my classmates said to me, y cant u be happy..its like u spreadin depression to everyone. i asked wats thr to be happy abt? its like i have forgotten the meanin of being happy. not like chillin out with frnds, catchin up a movie or somethin like tht. But being at peace with urself, being satisified, contend. and wen thinkin abt y i do feel this way, i get back only 1 answer, i am empty, dead and cold inside, as if some part of me is missin. as if i am incomplete and waitin for some1 to fill it.

wats the use of livin life, wen u dont have any purpose to live for? wen thr's no cause worth fightin for? but then i have to remind myself tht i owe my life and everythin to my parents, coz for them i am everythin...more than money or anythin else. its coz of them, i am wat i am today. i know wat sacrifices they have made so that i can be happy, and not get hurt in any way. This is the probably only thought tht keeps me goin, keepin me alive. i know i cant repay my parents for wat they did in makin me a good, worthy human being. only thing i can do this keep them happy and look after them to the best of my abilities.

As the old sayin goes, "mata, pita, guru, deva bhavo". if for nothin else, i remind myself tht i have to live for my parents.

pyaar aur dard

2006-11-24T17:04:00.000+06:00

phoolon se koi geela nahi,
kaanto se bhi koi shika nahi,
gham tho is baat ka hai ki,
dil kaanto se lagaya, phoolon se nahi.

2006-11-21T21:34:00.000+06:00

it's been a long time since i last blogged...it was due to the fact tht so much stuff was happenin to me and around me, tht i did not have the time to update the blog. in the last blog i mentioned tht i went to the f1 race and all...but since then life has been like a ride on a ship in storm, more downs than ups...and now i feel like a captain of a sinkin ship.

was readin blogs by akhil and rash, and wen i read it i realised wat i was missin on. i agree with akhil on many things, the need to have a heart to heart talk with someone...especially wen ur away from ur family and frnds. and past many weeks, i was thinkin wats left in life to accomplish...business wise, yes i feel very much obligated to fulfill my parents dreams, but personally i dont feel like thr's anythin to achieve.

it gets back to the question wat u want from life? is it money, success, happiness, love, name and fame, glory..wat?? wen i was in school i dreamt of becomin an engg and then get a mba degree, i am an engg, and close to get a mba degree, but wat after tht?

as a person, i am just alive, i feel like life is passin by me and i am just a spectator watchin it go right past me. i feel cold inside, heartless, no feelings for anythin, death would be a welcome relief now, but tht wouldnt so easily, will it? i dont feel likin anythin, not havin love for anythin i feel so empty inside...

and strangely enough, i feel like fallin in love with someone all over again. yeah, yeah..i was in and out of it sometime back. and the lesson i learnt from it never give ur heart to any1, its the most precious thing and if u do give it, make sure its the right person u give it to. gettin deviated from the topic.

as i was sayin tht although i dont feel any emotions, includin anger (as rash would say)...but i feel disappointed abt me not accomplishin anythin in life, on my own. and suddenly feelin to be in love and be loved, i dont know wat the heck is happenin to me. i dont want to feel all the pain and be hurt again, as i was some time back. also i dont want to complicate my life. i love my freedom and the responsibility. and a girl can make it more complicated and complex. i apologise to any gals whom may be offended, but i am not being a sexist.

life has changed me a lot, as one of my best frnds, said arihant u have become more matured and mellowed a lot. i'd say i have become like a rose without its fragrance, a bird without its song, its like somethin, a part of me has died and can never come back. i wanted to say this for a long time, but just cudnt say it.

i tried to be a nice human being. but it didnt work out. i tried to be a bad person, failed miserably. tried to enjoy new life here in melbourne, could not do it. and i dont know wat i have become?

i just dont feel like livin sometimes. sometimes i wonder, y do we struggle all our life to do somethin, wen we know tht eventually we are goin to die. y cant we just do things tht gives us happinness, not from criminal or sadistic point of view. if u have read the poem daffodils, then u'll probably understand wat i am talkin abt.

i may have probably mixed everythin here, but this is how i feel....

Fly off to Melbourne

2006-08-02T23:58:00.000+06:00

so i did get my visa at the last moment i had undone all the packin and had to do all the packin again in the middle of the night and i flew from hyd to ahemdabad and from thr to singapore changed flights at singapore and then to melbourne...wen i first arrived i was very nervous as i knew very few ppl here and everythin was new...my frnd came to pick me up from the airport and i stayed at his place for 2 weeks and i must thank him for makin things comfortable for me....melbourne is very beautiful city..have lots and lots trees...gardens..parks...but its whether is very unpredictable...u have to see the weather forecast and dress accordingly...

Swinburne University of Technology, thts the name of my uni...i like it very much..it has good atmosphere..students here are mainly indians tht too from gujarat...and there are many students from china, vietnam, thailand and those parts overall multicultural...there are somethin or the other goin on with the students' union....sometime its free pizza or burger or discounted movie tickets...bags...water bottles...........

then i got the chance to see both the openin and closin ceremony includin India's presentation, of the commonwealth games it was awesome....it was like whole of melbourne has risen to the occassion...the fireworks were spectacular....

after the commonwealth games....i went to the Australian Grand Prix....Formula One....along with my frnds...yes its held in Melbourne....we were there at the race track since mornin and enjoyed the whole day...had F-16 fighter jet performin stunts...Boeing jumbo 747 flyin off....then bikers performin stunts on the race track..V8 car race...i got so many cars tht i had either seen them in movies or on internet..there was coupleof Lambhorgini's, vintage and new Ferrari's, Mclaren F1 and many others whose names i dont remember,..then the parade lap.....i got to see Michael Schumacher and everybody else....i thought wow..then the actual race it was pretty nosiy..the f1 v8's zoomin past us.....but unfortunately Schumi crashed....

after the race was over we went on to the race track....in front of the podium and there was so much excitement...and even saw the place on the track whr schumi crashed..had heaps and heaps of fun....will post the pics in the next blog...

so long till the next post!!!

Damn

2006-02-24T00:25:00.000+06:00

god damn it. wen i at lasat decided to go to melbourne...i dint get the visa on time. the classes starts from 27th of feb. and i have to postpone everyhin and go for the july intake. however, i believe that watever happens, happens for a reason and for good.

As for my background.....i am jain. we have our own family business albeit a small one which my grand pa started. I love travelling...music depends on the mood from slow sloulful meldious to hip hop pop and rock. reading books but the kind which makes u think abt the ways of life. kind of philosphical but not too deep. I have few but very close frnds. couple of them from my school days. my classmate ( in school ) got married last year. and another frnd got engaged tht too in the last year.

then have few frnds from engg.....1 of them is in the US of A doin his MS. couple of them doin mba in hyderabad. one is in chennai workin for a mnc.

more of it in the next blog.

What i feel

2006-02-18T01:05:00.000+06:00

For those who know me, hi to them....for those who dont this for them..

I am from Hyderabad, India. I finished my engg in June 2005 and now heading to Melbourne to puruse MBA.
Its a 2 year course and i am havin mixed feelings. I am caught in a dilemma. Here is a once-in-a-lifetime-opportunity to go and study abroad. And at the same time I am feeling guilty of leaving my family behind. Especially dad. (Since we have our family business...and i was helpin him a lot since my early engg days) Although almost all the formalities have been done with, I on one hand is thinkin abt not to go....I guess I have to take a firm decision on this matter quickly coz so much is at stake.

Will inform abt my background in the next post.