Bad Phase

I am going through a phase in which I don't know what's happening to me and around me. There is so much build up of emotions and stress, that I fear what will happen if they were to come out. I lost my fighting spirit, I feel helpless and right now I am short on confidence. In a book, I've read that the persons who are able to dig up, draw on their inner strength and character are able to succeed in life than others. But even this is not helping me to regain faith and confidence in myself and in my abilities to do things. I feel that I have seen and heard everything there's in this world. I just don't want to live a life where I am living for others, where there is no happiness for me.

This phase has started around January this year, where nothing seems to go the way I wish it would go. Well not all things go your way, but the opposite should also be true, not all things should go against you. And as fate would have, sometimes all things go against you. To come back from it, you need to have fighting spirit, integrity, emotional support from family and friends among others. As stated earlier, I have lost the fighting spirit, lost a sense of purpose. It's like it does not matter what happens to me, nothing seems to hurt me anymore and I have become incapable to live and love anymore. There are very strong indications of that me becoming my previous self - a wild animal, uncontrollable, reckless, brash and arrogant.

This is all leading to a stage, I fear, would change me for the worse. No one gives a shit about me, then why should I be caring, always understanding. Enough is enough for me. I want to shout out loud and say, "Why do not you let me be who I am, why don't you let me alone?" People say that you get everything so easily and try to pick me for that, is that my mistake? They don't know how I have lived my 23 years. I have gone through so much pain, many near death experiences and anger, that I don't care about money or anything materialistic. I cannot smile or laugh since I am not happy. And what's there in this world to be happy about? I don't mind whether I have a part time job or not, whether I have money to spend or not. If I get a good part time job, is it my fault? I want to run from everyone, but cannot run even from myself.

I cannot even analyse why all this is happening to me. Where did I go wrong, what wrong did I do? I don't have answers to these questions. When I have not committed a mistake, then why shall I accept that I have committed a mistake. I feel that my life is rotting away with I having absolutely no control over it and falling from level of bad to level of worse.