Bad Phase

I am going through a phase in which I don't know what's happening to me and around me. There is so much build up of emotions and stress, that I fear what will happen if they were to come out. I lost my fighting spirit, I feel helpless and right now I am short on confidence. In a book, I've read that the persons who are able to dig up, draw on their inner strength and character are able to succeed in life than others. But even this is not helping me to regain faith and confidence in myself and in my abilities to do things. I feel that I have seen and heard everything there's in this world. I just don't want to live a life where I am living for others, where there is no happiness for me.

This phase has started around January this year, where nothing seems to go the way I wish it would go. Well not all things go your way, but the opposite should also be true, not all things should go against you. And as fate would have, sometimes all things go against you. To come back from it, you need to have fighting spirit, integrity, emotional support from family and friends among others. As stated earlier, I have lost the fighting spirit, lost a sense of purpose. It's like it does not matter what happens to me, nothing seems to hurt me anymore and I have become incapable to live and love anymore. There are very strong indications of that me becoming my previous self - a wild animal, uncontrollable, reckless, brash and arrogant.

This is all leading to a stage, I fear, would change me for the worse. No one gives a shit about me, then why should I be caring, always understanding. Enough is enough for me. I want to shout out loud and say, "Why do not you let me be who I am, why don't you let me alone?" People say that you get everything so easily and try to pick me for that, is that my mistake? They don't know how I have lived my 23 years. I have gone through so much pain, many near death experiences and anger, that I don't care about money or anything materialistic. I cannot smile or laugh since I am not happy. And what's there in this world to be happy about? I don't mind whether I have a part time job or not, whether I have money to spend or not. If I get a good part time job, is it my fault? I want to run from everyone, but cannot run even from myself.

I cannot even analyse why all this is happening to me. Where did I go wrong, what wrong did I do? I don't have answers to these questions. When I have not committed a mistake, then why shall I accept that I have committed a mistake. I feel that my life is rotting away with I having absolutely no control over it and falling from level of bad to level of worse.

Situations and Decisions

Everyone is right in their positions given any situation. But me, I always find myself in the wrong place at the wrong time. I am always caught in the crossfire and get hurt deeply, not in physical sense but in emotional sense. I don’t know why this happens to me? We all face situations in which we are in a dilemma as to what to do, what decision do I take? The decision which I take is the right one or not, only time and God knows. Then there are other constraints and restrictions which are like invisible prisoner chain, bound by it, there is very little room for maneuvering.

You cannot live up to everybody’s expectation and cannot keep everyone happy all the time. What if you cannot live up to your own expectation and cannot ourselves happy? Every decision we make regarding our lives, has some external influence to it. Be it family, friends, environment or anything else. How can anyone decide what’s best for me? Yet we take decision according everybody else’s wishes rather than listening to your own instinct.

I have relied quite a bit on my instinct in my past and still rely on it. Sometimes it so happens that the instinct fails to help you in deciding, in knowing what’s right or wrong, what’s proper or improper, in showing you the right direction. Then what you do in such a situation. To top that, you have everything going against you most importantly time and situation. The people involved are just acting according to this time and situation. You are not able to decide the next course of action, and then whom do you rely on? You are trapped in which no matter what door or direction you take, you are destined to be doomed.

Some part of me is a wild animal, very short tempered. I have hidden this animal, its anger, frustration and pain in me for well over a year now. It was difficult to hide all that, keep it deep inside me, with a vow that I’ll never ever let it come out of me. I fear the current situation would force the animal in me to come out again. Given, I am away from my home and city. This would not be good for me. All this and the current situation have added to the anger, frustration and pain. The animal in me is just tempting to come out and blast its way through anything and everything in its path, which I can’t afford and let it happen. It’s like something in me is just waiting to snap, tear my chest and come out.

Earlier, due to this animal characteristic, I was quite rebellious, bold and was not bothered about the consequences. And now I have become quite the opposite. I have mellowed a lot, matured, worrying about the consequences all the time. No longer the rebel and have become more polite, caring and kind. But all this is about to change because of what I am going through right now. It’s like shit happens and I don’t care anymore whatever happens, indicating a return to my old self. I am trying to fight against that and I am not sure if can win. Ironically, I’ll be the loser on both sides and no one the winner. I wonder how to make this ‘lose-lose’ situation to ‘win-win’ situation for myself.

Perhaps this is the test of real character which shows what kind of a person I am and what I am made of. If this is the case so be it. If for no one else, I’ll prove to myself what I am made up of. This will show what my real character, identity and class is. In addition, it will show what are my principles, values, rules and integrity.

And then I lose it completely and think where is my life going on? I don’t just feel like living anymore. I feel that I am dead inside. There are far many scars inside me to allow me even to live. These scars keep piling up and I lose even more the need to be alive. And whenever I felt the need for support, I did not get it.

Then I wonder is it because of my birth date and name characteristics. The combination of both (numerology) would suggest that ‘1’ is always alone and remains so. Sometimes even I have not been able to accept this fact. It’s like my heart doesn’t agree. But it’s has been proved to be true in many cases. Alone even in a crowd. There is no one to talk to, no one to turn to or look up to, sometimes because of the constraints and restrictions. It’s like I have been an ‘ENIGMA’ to everyone. Some say that I am very moody, short tempered and stubborn. Maybe I am, but they have not seen my other side.