What I Feel...

I had this mixed feeling abt how would it be to live by urself, no family, no frnds, ur on ur own. Have the freedom, ability to do watever u wanna do. And u kinda of start likin this way of livin. U know wat to do and wat not to do, become independent. And then suddenly someone wants to stop u from doin wat u want to do, take away the freedom. u dont live for urself, but for others. Sometimes i feel like shoutin and sayin, this is my life, i'll live the way i want it, not the way u or others want it, especially relatives. Wat the heck, cant i live my life my way?

was alone for quite a while and was listenin to heartbeat from kal ho na ho. And i went down the memory lane and it goes back only till 7th class in school. while thinkin abt the past, i am not able to think of one moment i was truly happy, in bliss, satisfied or contend, at peace with myself. Not tht i was not happy, but they were very rare moments. i'd like to thank some of my frnds anirudh, rash, akhil, yuggi, avani, rajji, kallu and few others for givin some moments of happiness in other wise a bleak and melachonly life of mine.

In melbourne, one of my classmates said to me, y cant u be happy..its like u spreadin depression to everyone. i asked wats thr to be happy abt? its like i have forgotten the meanin of being happy. not like chillin out with frnds, catchin up a movie or somethin like tht. But being at peace with urself, being satisified, contend. and wen thinkin abt y i do feel this way, i get back only 1 answer, i am empty, dead and cold inside, as if some part of me is missin. as if i am incomplete and waitin for some1 to fill it.

wats the use of livin life, wen u dont have any purpose to live for? wen thr's no cause worth fightin for? but then i have to remind myself tht i owe my life and everythin to my parents, coz for them i am everythin...more than money or anythin else. its coz of them, i am wat i am today. i know wat sacrifices they have made so that i can be happy, and not get hurt in any way. This is the probably only thought tht keeps me goin, keepin me alive. i know i cant repay my parents for wat they did in makin me a good, worthy human being. only thing i can do this keep them happy and look after them to the best of my abilities.

As the old sayin goes, "mata, pita, guru, deva bhavo". if for nothin else, i remind myself tht i have to live for my parents.

pyaar aur dard

phoolon se koi geela nahi,
kaanto se bhi koi shika nahi,
gham tho is baat ka hai ki,
dil kaanto se lagaya, phoolon se nahi.

it's been a long time since i last blogged...it was due to the fact tht so much stuff was happenin to me and around me, tht i did not have the time to update the blog. in the last blog i mentioned tht i went to the f1 race and all...but since then life has been like a ride on a ship in storm, more downs than ups...and now i feel like a captain of a sinkin ship.

was readin blogs by akhil and rash, and wen i read it i realised wat i was missin on. i agree with akhil on many things, the need to have a heart to heart talk with someone...especially wen ur away from ur family and frnds. and past many weeks, i was thinkin wats left in life to accomplish...business wise, yes i feel very much obligated to fulfill my parents dreams, but personally i dont feel like thr's anythin to achieve.

it gets back to the question wat u want from life? is it money, success, happiness, love, name and fame, glory..wat?? wen i was in school i dreamt of becomin an engg and then get a mba degree, i am an engg, and close to get a mba degree, but wat after tht?

as a person, i am just alive, i feel like life is passin by me and i am just a spectator watchin it go right past me. i feel cold inside, heartless, no feelings for anythin, death would be a welcome relief now, but tht wouldnt so easily, will it? i dont feel likin anythin, not havin love for anythin i feel so empty inside...

and strangely enough, i feel like fallin in love with someone all over again. yeah, yeah..i was in and out of it sometime back. and the lesson i learnt from it never give ur heart to any1, its the most precious thing and if u do give it, make sure its the right person u give it to. gettin deviated from the topic.

as i was sayin tht although i dont feel any emotions, includin anger (as rash would say)...but i feel disappointed abt me not accomplishin anythin in life, on my own. and suddenly feelin to be in love and be loved, i dont know wat the heck is happenin to me. i dont want to feel all the pain and be hurt again, as i was some time back. also i dont want to complicate my life. i love my freedom and the responsibility. and a girl can make it more complicated and complex. i apologise to any gals whom may be offended, but i am not being a sexist.

life has changed me a lot, as one of my best frnds, said arihant u have become more matured and mellowed a lot. i'd say i have become like a rose without its fragrance, a bird without its song, its like somethin, a part of me has died and can never come back. i wanted to say this for a long time, but just cudnt say it.

i tried to be a nice human being. but it didnt work out. i tried to be a bad person, failed miserably. tried to enjoy new life here in melbourne, could not do it. and i dont know wat i have become?

i just dont feel like livin sometimes. sometimes i wonder, y do we struggle all our life to do somethin, wen we know tht eventually we are goin to die. y cant we just do things tht gives us happinness, not from criminal or sadistic point of view. if u have read the poem daffodils, then u'll probably understand wat i am talkin abt.

i may have probably mixed everythin here, but this is how i feel....