The meaning of lonlieness

This picture aptly describes the feeling of lonlieness...

Found it somewhere on the net

Kisi Ka...

Har ghadi jaise kisi ka intezar ho,

Har lamha takh thi hai rahae kisi ka jaise koi annewala ho,

Har saans jaise kisi ki pairon ki aahat sunne ke liye bekarar ho,

Har pal inh nigahon ko jaise kisi ka chehera nazar aata ho,

Yeh tho bas ek hasin khawab hai,

Khawab kab sach huey hai,

Kuch iss tarah guzzar jayegi zindagi ,

Ki haqeeqat ek bura khawab ban jayegi.

My First Dream

I remembered you,
I came closer to you,
And walked away,
I am living because of you,
Today, I am seeing you within me!
What is the use if the letter,
Gets burnt while reading?
Shade of the trees will ask you,
What can I tell them?
Are you like the silence of,
A withered flower?
My room seeks your anklet’s sound,
What can I tell them?
Can broken bangles speak?
Where are those fingers,
Which warms my hand?
You’re not here for me,
To lie down on your shoulder!
Before my first dream is fulfilled,
I lost my sleep!

My Fate

Is it me or my fate,
To be alone,
To keep losing,
Friends, heart and love,
To have an empty soul,
To have an empty heart,
To long for things,
Which I can never have,
I feel something is missing inside me,
As though I lost love for everything,
Nothing excites me nor motivates me,
All I wish is for the good ol’ days,
I am waiting for someone,
My soul searching for that someone,
But can I get what I long for,
Is another question,
Since it is me or my fate,
Stopping from getting what I want.

Beautiful Life

Life was beautiful once,
But only for a few moments,
Rest of it was a dreadful experience,
Full of nightmares and sadness,
Still haunted by the ghosts from the past,
I lost myself in the rush,
Never having any real control,
Over my life, actions and emotions,
Only acting as a puppet of fate,
Always found myself lonely,
None understood and supported me.

Smile on my lips

I only have the support of my arms,
'Coz I don't have warmth from others,
Which I need in this cold,
I may die today,
I may die tomorrow,
But I die with a smile on my lips,
Knowing that I haven't broken a heart,
With my death,
Since I was loved by none.

Kabhi Kabhi

Kabhi kabhi mere dil main khayal aata hain,
Ki zindagi teri zulfon ki narm chhaon main guzarne pati
to shadab ho bhi sakti thi.

Yeh ranj-o-gham ki siyahi jo dil pe chhayi hain,
Teri nazar ki shuaon main kho bhi sakti thi.

Magar yeh ho na saka aur ab ye aalam hain,
Ki tu nahin, tera gham teri justjoo bhi nahin.

Guzar rahi hain kuchh iss tarah zindagi jaise,
isse kisi ke sahare ki aarzoo bhi nahin.

Na koi raah, na manzil, na roshni ka suraag,
Bhatak rahin hai andheron main zindagi meri.
Inhi andheron main reh jaoonga kabhi kho kar

Main janta hoon meri hum-nafas, magar yoonhi
Kabhi kabhi mere dil main khayal aata hai.

Bad Phase

I am going through a phase in which I don't know what's happening to me and around me. There is so much build up of emotions and stress, that I fear what will happen if they were to come out. I lost my fighting spirit, I feel helpless and right now I am short on confidence. In a book, I've read that the persons who are able to dig up, draw on their inner strength and character are able to succeed in life than others. But even this is not helping me to regain faith and confidence in myself and in my abilities to do things. I feel that I have seen and heard everything there's in this world. I just don't want to live a life where I am living for others, where there is no happiness for me.

This phase has started around January this year, where nothing seems to go the way I wish it would go. Well not all things go your way, but the opposite should also be true, not all things should go against you. And as fate would have, sometimes all things go against you. To come back from it, you need to have fighting spirit, integrity, emotional support from family and friends among others. As stated earlier, I have lost the fighting spirit, lost a sense of purpose. It's like it does not matter what happens to me, nothing seems to hurt me anymore and I have become incapable to live and love anymore. There are very strong indications of that me becoming my previous self - a wild animal, uncontrollable, reckless, brash and arrogant.

This is all leading to a stage, I fear, would change me for the worse. No one gives a shit about me, then why should I be caring, always understanding. Enough is enough for me. I want to shout out loud and say, "Why do not you let me be who I am, why don't you let me alone?" People say that you get everything so easily and try to pick me for that, is that my mistake? They don't know how I have lived my 23 years. I have gone through so much pain, many near death experiences and anger, that I don't care about money or anything materialistic. I cannot smile or laugh since I am not happy. And what's there in this world to be happy about? I don't mind whether I have a part time job or not, whether I have money to spend or not. If I get a good part time job, is it my fault? I want to run from everyone, but cannot run even from myself.

I cannot even analyse why all this is happening to me. Where did I go wrong, what wrong did I do? I don't have answers to these questions. When I have not committed a mistake, then why shall I accept that I have committed a mistake. I feel that my life is rotting away with I having absolutely no control over it and falling from level of bad to level of worse.